A letter to my dearest father!

Dear Dad,

Do you remember giving me some postcards when you left me at the boarding school when I was eleven? You told me about the exchange of letters between Jawaharlal Nehru and Indira Gandhi and inspired me to write regularly. I can imagine how eager you must have been to know how I was growing up and how my personality was evolving. You have always complained the frequency of my letters have come down since I was thirteen and gradually stopped with access to telephones. After a long time, I feel the need to write to you about the conflict between our views with respect to solo travel, which I suppose is partly due to generational gap and partly due to gender difference.

Every child thinks her father is the best and so do I. But, what distinguishes you from most other Indian middle-class fathers is your ideology, a concrete understanding of socio-political issues, and your outlook towards individual freedom. Unlike many parents who urge their children to stay away from student politics, you have encouraged my sister and me to engage actively. While a typical Indian parent is expected to object to the daughter’s choice of life partner, your value system has bestowed upon us the freedom to choose our partners irrespective of class, caste, and religion. As you have always believed the best gift parents can ever give their children is good quality education, neither distance nor gender constrained you ever in sending us to boarding schools or colleges far away from home.

Of the many fears held by the parents of a girl, who steps out of home for education or work, the biggest fear is that of physical abuse and molestation. The ultimate consequence of such fears is the restriction of the movement of the girl. Most parents give in to the fear of ‘external circumstances’ rather than helping the girl to muster strength and courage to confront such circumstances. I am thankful that mom and you stand different from this lot, not because you do not have these fears, but because you have decided to break out of these fears and let your daughters enjoy their freedom.

You have always been a very possessive and protective father. I know you are always alert whenever I go to a movie or restaurant late in the night or travel alone. You have a disturbed sleep till you get that ‘Reached safe’ message or call. Though you have sometimes objected to my trips with friends during under-graduation, as I grew up and gained financial independence, you have never objected me to travel anywhere with my friends. You have never restricted me from going to any conferences or seminars anywhere in India or outside even if it is full of strangers. You ensure I travel in AC compartments during long solo journeys even if it is expensive. You ensure I stay in a safe place with my friends or family or secure official accommodation. 

But, now, when I want to travel solo to a new place where I do not know anybody and where you do not have any information about my place of stay, you have out rightly rejected. You have become so upset and anxious that you did not even want to have a discussion with me on that topic. You said I have become crazy and I do not understand the social reality that it is unsafe for women to travel alone to unknown places. When I insisted that I shall go despite your objection, your blood pressure increased, and you became extremely angry at me and at mom and sister for supporting me.

Dad, this is where you and I differ in two ways. Firstly, you still look at me as an innocent young girl who is merely excited about a fancy idea and does not consider the risky part of it. In a heated argument, you mentioned I have an entire lifetime to visit all these places, and I can wait till I have some company. But, you are ignoring that I am twenty-seven years old, and I am a research scholar. It is the prime time of my youth and education, and I want to experience the World in my way, even if it has no immediate academic purpose. 

Secondly, I feel it is necessary for every woman to experience solo travel to an unknown place to explore herself. It gives her an opportunity to know what her fears, weaknesses or strengths are. It is a great opportunity where a woman learns how to protect herself from unforeseen circumstances and how to be responsible towards herself. The sense of pride and satisfaction that follows such a trip will be indescribable. Please note that if your heart beats faster when we are alone, our hearts beat the fastest. But, only we can change this situation with some calculated risks.

If the first disagreement arises from the generational difference between a protective father who thinks the daughter is still not mature enough or grown-up enough; the second disagreement arises due to our gender differences. You can only sympathize with a woman, but you can never empathize with her. Did you even think for a moment why mom and sister immediately agreed to my idea of a solo-travel? It is simply because they have never done that before and they like that idea. Most women in this country have never taken some time off their daily routine and traveled solo just for the sake of traveling. All I have to urge you and other Indian fathers is not to make it hard for your daughter or wife to travel solo even when we are adults. Instead, help us in planning a safe travel.

Dad, you have been the most loving and progressive father any daughter could wish. I want you to take one more step. I know you have a problem with the idea of solo-travel itself be it a boy or a girl and you do not find it fun or see any purpose in such vacation. The point is if I feel like just packing my bag and go somewhere for a couple of days, even if I don't have a company, I should have that freedom and choice to decide. You may express your fears, concerns or ideologies but you should not bind my legs with them. I do not wish to grow as a Bonsai plant in a garden pot, but, I wish to grow like a wild and free banyan tree that stands wide and tall.

Before I end, here are some of my favorite lines from Bob Dylan’s song for you and other parents:

“Come mothers and fathers throughout the land

And don’t criticize what you can’t understand

Your sons and daughters are beyond your command

Your old road is aging.

Please get out of the new one

If you can’t lend your hand

For the times they are a-changing.”

Your loving daughter,

Kranthi